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My Fears, My Depression My Love: A Journey Back To The Heart
About the book
If you have fallen get up and start believing again so you can start loving again. " I love life and life loves me" was my saying through my depression. I am Nelio Di Vincenzo and this is my nine-year journey back to my heart. We all have fears and we have experienced depression at some time in our lives. For some of us, depression has lasted but a moment and for others, it feels like a lifetime.
I fell apart I lost my marriage, my family and my soul. My fears as a child lead me down that road of depression as an adult. So what was depression for me back then it was all my past fears hitting me all at once. I was supposed to be the rock in the family you know the man who shows no weakness. So why did I decided to change I was sick of listening to people telling me I was sick and that it was alright to feel like this. I know depression is sadness darkness and loneliness but it doesn't have to be a prison sentence.
To heal I had to feel and that came with an understanding of where we have been and where we are now. Your fears come from your past experiences and that's where the healing must begin. It's where most of us fear to tread. So if you need to heal your soul first you must heal your heart.
Depression was an awaking for me that's what I like to call it and sounds cool. Yes, depression is sadness darkness and loneliness I know that we read and hear it every day " hey I lived it." This book is a lighter look at depression. My fears brought me face to face with depression but then I found love. This is now your journey of self-discovery so you can start your healing process. I love to say this book is about finding yourself but I believe you are never lost because how can you be lost when everyone else can see you but you?
Look I'll prove it! Do you have a mirror go to that mirror right now and "there you are?" Now gaze into that mirror and say "WoW you are an amazing human being" and don't forget to leave with a smile. Thank you it takes courage to take that first step and you are not alone on this journey. Gratitude love and joy to you.
Why should you read this book?
I have worked with some of the toughest men in the hardest conditions in the world. Some days, the tempreture would peak at forty degress hot enough that if you want a fried egg for breakfast, just crack it on the side of the road and you have an instant breakfast.
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My name is Nelio and I have been a bricklayer for thirty-seven years. The industry I have worked in for most of my life is construction. Some of these men were tough but gentle and with big hearts; they were fair and loyal men you could rely on if the going gets tough.
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Some were big enough that if you saw them on the streets walking towards you, you'd take one look at them and run the other way!
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I have met men in this industry that wouldn't hesitate to do wrong by you. I have met more men that were happy to help. Most of these men have been through some depression ini their lives. Most keep it to themselves, some would speak up about their struggles and some you just knew were struggling. So I'm speaking up for these men with a handshake, smily and how do you do.
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Most people didn't konw how to handle their emotions because they were taught not to. I remember as a young boy seeing my Father with my Uncles at family gatherings. They would form a circle in the backyard and talk about how tough their day had been.
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Who was the hardest worker in the group? It was all about strength and that's what it meant to be a man. Who was the strongest in those days? One of my Uncles was always standing outside the cirlce; he was the weakest one in the pack.
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My Father and Uncles all work in the constuction sector "funny than". These men were real larrikins that loved having a drink or two after work and they all had a story to tell. Most drank to forget their problems and pains.
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They drank their life away, always waiting for the next alcoholic drink after work and the weekend. These men struggled to communicate with their spouses and children but not all as some were great family men.
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Men, we need to empower ourselves enough of this pride bullshit; it doesn't work anymore. I've been a broken man who struggled with his identity.
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Who was I supposed to be as a man?
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We need to empower ourselves as men and the time has come to bond together.
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As men, we need to express ourselves emotionally; we need to feel that emotion. We have suppressed our feelings for too long now; it is time to break this cycle of men who are too proud to get help.
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We have to fight for what is right so our sons don't go through the shame and guilt of being human being with feelings. Education and understanding is the only way to stop this epidemic called depression.
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My Father told me that if I didn't have what I wanted by the time I was forty years old, I would struggle for the rest of my life.
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Guess what happened? I was thirteen years old. These are my take on depression and what it meant to me.
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Yes, everyone has their own opinion on depression and that's okay. Every day on the news, we hear about how people struggle and how medicine is the only solution.
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Now I have no problems with people taking medication. That's their choice because everything in life is a choice. I'm not here to judge because I don't know what you are going throught right now but what I do know is that you aren't alone. Depression comes in different waves; some people struggle with depression for a short time and some need time to heal.
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Now my choice was to see someone that could change my thoughts and to understant why.
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Why am I depressed?
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We don't ask ourselves because we don't know how to answer that question or are too afraid. Like me, I didn't want to know because that would expose me. The truth implies going into my head which meant taking responsibility for all my actions.
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With my fears and depression, I was so afraid of who I was becoming and hid behind this confident, strong man whom people called me 'the rock'. Like the kid's movie Madagascar, then penguins would say "smile and wave boys". So I did? I held that facade for so long till one day when I couldn't because the rock was crumbling.
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I was living a life of lies and the truth was catching up on me. I was supposed to be the rock that held everyone up but I struggled in silence and the rock did crumble. I lost my mind and soul. I fell apart and nobody was there to catch me since the people around me didn't know what I was going through? I didn't understand. Why?
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I broke apart the fears and emotions that I hed for so long. The rock began to show cracks for the entire world to see. Turning forty years old came and went and the decade that followed were some of my darkest years of my life, a lonely road.
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Why should you read my book?
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My Father died of depression because he was too proud to get help and he died alone during the last two of his life. When I visited my Father in those latter years, he was always sitting alone on an old chair in the backyard, trying to keep warm in the sun. My Father looked sad and depressed. He had lost his soul.
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I would love people reading my book to let them know that they aren't on this road alone. This book is to help that one person so we can help many. I would love people to take the first step to go outside right now and feel that sunshine on their faces.
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My fears led me to depression but depression led me to love. Depression woke me up; it was a celebration of my life and my purpose. It's not about finding yourself; it's about loving that person in the mirror again.
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My choice was to be conscious of my thoughts and to be aware of my environment. Writing about my depression became my therapy and my stories became my understanding of who I am.
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My name is Nelio Di Vincenzo and this is my story....
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